


The Physical Symptoms

by a_mind_at_work



Series: Anxiety Laf [8]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, project onto the founding fathers with me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 23:33:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9095545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_mind_at_work/pseuds/a_mind_at_work
Summary: A focus on how anxiety can make your body feel.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A focus on how anxiety can make your body feel.

He’d woken up like this. And no, he wasn’t referencing that catchy song about waking up looking flawless.

He wished he was referencing that song, but he was referring to the way his stomach was turning on itself over and over again, making him feel like he might be sick any second. He stayed hidden under his covers for a few moments, trying to take deep breaths like he always told Alex to do, but the thoughts were ricocheting through his mind too quickly.

If he could only focus he would be able to understand them and dispel them. But they weren’t slowing down, and neither was his heart rate or his breathing.

He threw the covers off and swung his legs over the side of his bed, letting his bare feet touch the cool wooden floorboards, hoping that would ground him. It worked a bit, but it wasn’t nearly as effective he’d hoped it’d be.

He forced himself to stand, hating the way his legs shook underneath him. He took a deep breath, then another. _It’s not working it’s not workingitsnotworking––_

“Laf!” Alex banged on the other side of his bedroom door. “Can I borrow your Yorktown hoodie? I think John has mine and it’s just a Yorktown day, ya feel?”

Laf took another deep breath. _Merde, if Alex comes in, he’ll be able to tell, but if I don’t let him in… Think quick!!_

“Um, un moment, mon ami, I am, ah, naked…” he cringed at his excuse, but what was he to do? “I will hand it to you through the door!” He was momentarily distracted from his anxiety by his great excuse for not letting Alex in.

He lunged over to his closet and grabbed the hoodie from its hanger. He then opened the door a crack and thrust the sweater out toward where he assumed Alex was standing, being sure to hide his body behind the door so Alex wouldn’t realize he was actually clothed.

“Thanks!” the boy said cheerily, humming as he walked back to his room with the hoodie.

Laf sighed and wiped his palms on the sides of his pajama pants. He knew it wouldn’t help much, his palms would be sweaty again momentarily, but he had to try.

He glanced at his digital clock. _Merde._ He only had fifteen minutes to get ready in time for him and Alex to meet up with John and Herc. He and his friends were going to the mall to get Alex a winter coat, which didn’t sound like a big deal, but if they didn’t find the absolute warmest one they’d have to put up with his whining for an entire winter.

As much as he wanted to go and spend time with his friends and boyfriend, he also wished he could just hide out in his room. He hated crowds, and the mall on a Sunday in November promised to be bustling. He could barely handle it on a weekday.

His breathing picked up again and he felt even sicker than before. _Stop it, they’re your friends. It’s just a mall. Be normal. For once be––_

“LAF!” A booming voice shouted from the other side of the door.

“HERC HE’S NAKED DON’T RUIN YOUR EYES!” Alex shouted from the hallway.

“You do remember he’s my boyfriend, right, Ham? I don’t mind seeing him naked, to say the least.”

If Laf was feeling better he’d roll his eyes at Herc. They hadn’t even seen each other… like that…  yet.

Herc rapped on the door. “Laf, you decent?”

“Ye––” _Merde!_ He hadn’t wanted to say yes, but it was too late.

Herc opened the door and walked in, grinning. The smile quickly fell from his face when he saw his boyfriend huddled up in a sweaty _ugly-stupid-no good_ ball on the floor.

“Babe, what’s going on?” Herc asked gently _because he’s afraid of scaring his delicate flower who he’s probably sick of dealing with_ , kneeling in front of Lafayette.

The words got caught in Laf’s throat. He raised a hand to his throat and held it there while staring into Herc’s eyes. _Come on, speak! Tell him you’re fine! You’re fine._

Herc studied him for a moment before his eyes widened. “Are you having an allergic reaction?”

Laf shook his head _great, now you’ve worried him_  no.

His chest felt so tight. He couldn’t. He couldn’t speak, he couldn’t admit this to Herc. He couldn’t go to the mall with them, but he also couldn’t not go. He felt so… trapped.

Just then, Alexander poked his head into his brother’s room. “You guys better not be making out–– Woah, Laf, what’s going on?” Alex ran up to him and crouched down on the floor next to him.

“He won’t say,” Herc murmured, still not taking his eyes off of Laf’s.

“Oh,” Alex said, and Laf knew he knew. How couldn’t he? Isn’t this what Laf was always helping Alexander with? This was why he hadn’t wanted Alex to come into his room. He didn’t want to lose his trust, to lose the faith Alex put in Laf every time he asked him for help when his anxiety got too bad. And if Alex saw him like this? Well, that was all over now, wasn’t it?

Laf let his head drop. He couldn’t bear to look at either of his friends. He was so ashamed.

The tightness in his chest got worse. The tightness in his throat was unbearable. His head was starting to ache, the temples slightly pounding. He massaged them absentmindedly with one hand, the other still on his throat.

He felt Alex’s tiny hand gently peel his fingers from his throat. “Laf? Laf, it’s okay,” he said gently. “You’re gonna be okay.”

“What’s going on?” Herc asked. He sounded scared. _You did that. You scared him._

“It’s an anxiety attack,” Alex said. He took Laf’s other hand off of his head. “Laf? Laf do you hear me? Can you take a few slow breaths for me? Nice and deep?”

_No, no, no…_ His secrets, his weakness, they were being revealed so quickly. Everything was spinning. Someone moved him away from the wall and sat behind him. He hadn’t realized how much he’d needed that, needed someone else’s warmth to melt into. This someone smelled of cinnamon… Hercules.

“Non,” Laf whispered.

“Babe?” Herc said, his breath tickling Laf’s ear.

“So… sorry,” he managed.

“Oh, Laf,” Herc said. He kissed Laf’s neck. “There’s no need to apologize. I’m just glad I got here when I did.”

Glad? That didn’t make any sense to Laf. Why would Herc be _glad_ to see that Laf wasn’t as strong as he’d made everyone believe he was?

But he wasn’t going to ask those questions now. No. He was focusing on Herc’s warmth, on the soothing circles he was drawing on the palm of Laf’s hands, which Alex had let go of, placing them on Laf’s knees, palms up, fingers open.

Laf always did this with Alexander. This was wrong. The roles were reversed and it felt so _wrong_.

His breathing picked up its pace again. Herc was shushing him, rocking him slowly from side to side, but Laf couldn’t calm down. Everything was too much.

He could hear Alex saying something, but he couldn’t make out what. Next thing he knew, a delicate hand was cradling his face and putting a cool glass to his lips.

“Sweetie, Gilbert,” Martha said. “Drink a bit of water?”

He let her tip the glass, let the water slide down his throat. He heard a bottle rattle. Tears overwhelmed his vision. _Weak weak weak._

“Open your mouth, sweetie,” Martha said.

He kept it shut. She brushed a tear from his cheek and Herc kept rubbing circles on Laf’s palms.

“Honey, this is what we have it for,” Martha said. “There’s nothing wrong with using medication when you need it.”

Now Herc knew. Now Alex knew. Had Alex even know before this? Laf had gotten it prescribed to him during his last physical, when he told his doctor about the random anxiety attacks he had. He’d only had to use it once, and only George and Martha knew about that. But Alex? Alex didn’t even know. Laf didn’t want to imagine how he looked to his brother or his boyfriend now.

“Gilbert, please, I know you might not think you need this right now, but I’m your mother. I know these things. Please, sweetie.” He hated that he’d made Martha beg. Of course she wanted him to be knocked out. It was the least he could do for her, really. The least he could do for Alexander and Hercules, too.

He opened his mouth. He felt the uncoated pill land on his tongue, the foul taste leave its mark in his mouth even after he let the water wash it down his throat.

Martha brushed back the curls that his sweat had stuck to his forehead, then kissed him. Herc kept holding him, rocking his gently from side to side.

The last thing he saw before the heavy calm flooded his veins was Alexander hovering in the background, eyes wide and sad.

Oh, how he’d let Alexander down.

***

Lafayette woke up on something soft with something warm around his torso and pressed up against his side. His mind groggily worked to figure it all out.

Bed. Arm. Person.

His bed. Arm. Herc.

His bedroom. Herc’s arm. Hercules.

He tried to sit up and Hercules’ eyes popped open. Apparently he hadn’t really been asleep.

“Babe, oh, babe,” Herc said. “How’re you feeling?”

“You should go,” Laf whispered. He couldn’t look at Herc.

“Why?” Herc sounded hurt. Laf kept hurting people today. He kept hurting the people he loved most.

“I… I’m so ashamed,” Laf said with a sob. “I-I-I totally panicked, and you saw, and Alex, and Martha, and, oh, god,” he said as he remembered Martha giving him his emergency anti-anxiety meds.

“Laf, babe, no. That’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s chemistry, eh? It’s biology. Nothing you can control.” Herc traced random patterns on Laf’s back, calming him a bit.

“Alex will never trust me again,” Laf whispered.

“Alex loves you,” Hercules said. He sat up next to Laf. “And I’m certain he’ll be happy to help you just as much as you help him.”

Lafayette’s head began to ache. Herc must have seen him wince because he gently guided Laf back down toward the bed until he head was on the pillow. He kissed his boyfriend’s forehead.

“Babe, having anxiety does not make you weak. Taking meds doesn’t make you weak. And none of it makes you any lesser in my eyes, okay? You’re so strong, babe, and I admire the hell out of ya for that.”

He kissed Laf on the forehead again and studied the tired boy’s face. “Can I lay down with you?”

Laf smiled and nodded. Herc cozied back up to him, wrapping an arm around Laf’s torso.

The meds always made Lafayette sleepy, especially since an attack by itself was enough to exhaust him. He was just on the edge of slipping back into sleep when he heard the door creak open and felt his bed dip down.

He didn’t have to open his eyes to know it was Alex who climbed onto the other side of Laf’s bed and wrapped an arm around him, burying his face between Laf’s shoulder and head.

Just like that, he knew Hercules had been right. Everything was going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, my name is Jessie and I project my feelings onto the founding fathers. 
> 
> Okay, but, for real, I hope this is helpful to you guys! Anxiety is awful, but, just like Laf realizes at the end, things will be okay. <333
> 
> Wanna read more of my stuff? Come chill with me on tumblr! @undiscoveredstory


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